A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his  father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of  the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"
 Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"  ,    "Just a little at first" said the son.

Q: What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
                         A: Bisexual

Q:  What's got two legs , spots , and bleeds ?
                        A: Half a cheeta

Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if  there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think
again".  "None, miss." is the reply once again. "Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.". "Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher. "Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny. "Certainly, Johnny." "Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?" The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers. "No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking."

Bloke was walking past this shop one time when he saw on the window, Any sandwich filling you want or $100, he thought that was interesting and so he went into the shop and asked if any one ever won the money. The bloke behind the counter said yeah yesterday a guy came in and wanted elephant's balls on toast but we had ran out of bread.

A woman of 50 goes in to the doctors one day and asks for a facelift.  Being a wealthy lady , she chooses the top surgeon in town , and asks him what his favoured technique is.  The doctor assures the woman that his technique is the best in the world.  " After the operation , i put a little screw behind each ear ".  he explains.  " All you have to do is tighten the screws each time you see a wrinkle appear on your face. "  The operation duly goes ahead , and is a sucess.  But several years later , after much screw turning , the woman is alarmed when she notices big bags under her eyes , which remain however tight she twists the screws.  She rushes back to the surgery and demands to see the surgeon.  " Look at these bags under my eyes ! " the woman wails.  " Madam " the surgeon says , " those are your breasts and if you keep twisting those screws youll end up with a beard. "

A man runs in to a fish mongers and with a large karp under his arm.  Panting and puffing the man manages to ask the fish monger " do you sell fish cakes ? " , " We sure do said the fish monger " , the man with the giant fish gave a sigh of releif and replied good "its his birthday today"

Bill the pensioner and his elderly wife visit the doctors for his annual health check.  After examining bill the doctor comented on bills good health and said " youre fine but im going to need to take a urine sample , a stool sample and a sperm sample ".  hard of hearing bill asked his wife to repeat what the doctor had said.  His wife wispered in his ear " he said he needs your underwear"

A woman was drying herself after having a shower when she suddenly slips and falls hard to the floor and lands spread legged.  After much hard trying to get back up the woman realises that she fell so hard that her crotch had created a vacum sucking her to the floor.  A few minutes later her husband arrives home after work and tries to lift her but to no avail.  The husband decides that two hands are better than one and so he fetches the neighbour.  After several minutes of pulling and lifting the neighbour comes up with a plan.  " Lets smash the tiles around her and lift her up that way ! ".  The husband agrees and begins rubbing his wifes breasts.  " What are you doing ? " asks the neighbour " i'm trying to arouse her" replies the husband.  "Why ?" asks the neighbour , the husband replies "So we can slide her in to the kitchen the tiles are much cheaper in there."